


Sincerely, Pierrot

by PeterPanHasDied



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Circus, M/M, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-24
Updated: 2016-11-25
Packaged: 2018-09-01 22:16:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8640247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeterPanHasDied/pseuds/PeterPanHasDied
Summary: Two orphaned childhood lovers end up at the mercy of fate as they get separated in a gruesome war. One becomes a wealthy commander’s son, the other ends up in a traveling circus.





	1. The Lost Boys

**Author's Note:**

> To be affected by the war as a child was quite a tragedy. To grow up an orphan during the war was considered the highest misfortune. To the women who attended the cathedral, they were viewed as God’s forsaken.
> 
>  To Seungkwan he was just a boy who sometimes went to bed hungry, and when he longed to be loved he was indeed, loved, by his closest and dearest friend.
> 
>  Through the eyes of his 12-year-old self he was just a human treated like an animal. Sometimes being herded into a small classroom that smelled of old chipped chalk and decaying desks. He once learned about the life and death of a peculiar 1800s woman. Three-fourths of the words he couldn’t understand, and the rest he could, were so boring he nearly drowned himself with drool.
> 
> To be learning about things like that was odd but not the oddest that had happened since he came to the orphanage.
> 
> The oddest was when he came to learn the word love, and he began to feel it for himself for the first time towards his dearest friend.
> 
> That, to Seungkwan, would have to be the most bizarre thing that had ever happened.
> 
> So to grow up in the world during a war, to be without a mother or a father, to not have enough to eat, yes--it was strange--but he was not God’s forsaken like those ladies had said. To find someone to love as fair and as beautiful as Hansol was the best blessing of all. He was not God’s forsaken. He understood love where nobody else could.

“You know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you. That’s where I’ll be waiting.”  


~J.M. Barrie

 

The october air filtered against the ruddy windows of the orphanage, calling to Seungkwan who had just moments before opened his eyes to the new day. A sweet smell invaded his senses, almost sweet and honey-like yet he knew it was not food for food had been scarce as of lately. A thin arm draped across his chest lazily and he slid his fingers gently into the spaces between Hansol’s hand. 

 

In the morning light everything was simple and quiet, almost like he’d been trapped inside a beautiful dream. The haze of sleep drowned him in a blurry mess of scent and happiness as suddenly the windows shook against the strong winds, and the stray droplets of rain pattered against the distant rooftops.

 

He breathed in the cool morning air and turned on his side to bury his face in Hansol’s chest. The warmth he exuded nearly caused him to fall back to sleep but he didn’t. With his eyes closed he could hear the small heartbeat and the gentle whisper of his breath.

 

They have things to do today, he knows, but just for once he wished to forget about the day full of work and hard labour. Unfortunately for him, their headmistress was a very strict woman.

 

“Up, boys! We’ve got a long day ahead of us!” 

 

Her voice traveled all throughout the half-empty house. Starting from the bottom of the stairs, Seungkwan traced her steps in his mind. She’d first pull her black shawl over her pristine but fading dress and wrap it tightly around her body to defend against the sharp morning air. She’d stop at the bottom of the stairs where there was a hanging mirror and check her reflection, patting down her smooth but somehow frazzled hair and rounded, silver-rimmed glasses. All of this while shouting over the stillness of the house, “Up, now children we needn’t be late for the start of the day!”

 

Click, click, click, stumble, click. 

 

Miss Kim, for that was the headmistress’ name, climbed the stairs dutifully and stopped at the first door to the left. It was the small room where all his older brothers slept with the exception of their youngest: Haeil (accompanied by Sanha), Soonyoung, and Jihoon.

 

He shut his eyes tighter when he heard a shatter come from their room where--no doubt--Jihoon had thrown something fragile against the wall in a sleep-induced rage. This half woke Hansol up who turned away from Seungkwan to bury himself inside the cocoon they had made for themselves.

 

“That’s quite enough, Mr. Lee. Clean that mess up immediately while I wake up the others. You hear me?”

 

A loud groan came from the room next door. 

 

“Haeil you make sure that boy does what I say.”

 

Seungkwan saved himself the trouble of getting yelled at and sat up in the bed he shared with Hansol. He could hear Miss Kim clatter the few steps to their own room, where all of them were shoved in two beds, partly to keep warm, and partly because lack of resources.

 

Minhyuk and Chan in one, and Hansol and himself in the other.

 

Had it been any other day, maybe years and years ago like it’d once been, they would all have their own room and their own beds but things hadn’t been easy for the eight kids with their personal world on the brink of war. Their empty house now only served as a good hide-and-seek space during playtime. However, with only the eight of them, the games never did last too long.

 

The creak of the door opening shook him out of his thoughts and he eyed the woman before him. Her neat hair with the frazzled ends and the black shawl hugging her body made him snort a little to himself at how right he had been.

 

“Oh good, Seungkwan you’re awake. Please make sure your brothers get up.”

 

She took a quick look around the room and then disappeared.

 

Seungkwan knew she’d be back in less than five minutes so he threw himself on Hansol and hugged him tightly.

 

“Wake up!” He whined, with extra emphasis on the “up.” He nuzzled Hansol’s bare neck with his cold nose, making the other jump.

 

“Seungkwan!” Hansol shrieked, pulling the blankets up as a shield.

 

“Up, right away! You hear me!? Right away!” Seungkwan mocked their headmistress while ticking Hansol awake.

 

“I hear ya!” He laughed loudly.

 

Seungkwan threw his thin legs over the right side of the bed and settled his feet on the cold hardwood in one swift motion, shutting his eyes tightly and counting out loudly to three. The freezing temperature zapped his skin and traveled all the way up to his neck and made the hairs raise up together. The cold floor on his bare feet was a better wake-up call than a splash of water to the face.

 

“One, two, three, four, five!” Hansol shouted his victory and Seungkwan peeked over his shoulder to see Hansol holding his own feet to the ground. “Beat you!” 

 

“Perfect, your prize is ice blocks for feet.” Seungkwan crooned and stooped low to slip on his boots, he whistled at the other two boys in the room who were half awake. “Wake up, the both of you! Miss Kim is gonna come check if you don’t get downstairs.”

 

“What’s the schedule today?” Chan drooled out, the words sloppy and messy on his tongue. 

 

Hansol glanced back with a small smirk ghosted on his handsome features, “It’s pronounced sched-ule.”

 

“That’s what I said.” 

 

“Nuh-uh.” Minhyuk shoved him before climbing out of their shared bed.

 

Seungkwan shrugged into a threadbare button down and opened up his side drawer where a stack of papers was shoved in. He squinted and read the tiny hand-written script of their work times. “Hm, looks like all of us are headed up north today.”

 

“To the village again?” With a giant groan Minhyuk threw himself back on the bed, covering his red ringed eyes with his thin, bony arm. He stupidly neglected to wear nightwear to bed and Seungkwan could easily count all of his ribs. He looked away with a pinch in his lips and he closed the drawer. “I was hoping to go to west town today. Did you see the soldiers have been filtering in and out again? God, if only I could join them for one day they’d see how great I was!”

 

Chan cackled in the corner as he shook himself into his clothes, his shoulders jumped up and down with laughter. “You couldn’t even carry a gun with those tiny arms of yours!”

 

Jihoon suddenly peeked his head in from the hallway, joining in on the jest. “I bet the helmet alone would snap that thin neck of his.”

 

“I hate you both. This is the one thing I want to do and none of you support me at all!”

 

“He means it’s the only thing he can do, since he has no brains.” Jihoon’s whole body shook with vicious laughter as everyone in the room rolled their eyes at his bitter humor.

 

“Be careful or I’ll slip one of Miss Kim’s pins into your mattress!”

 

“I can’t be threatened by someone who tells the tormentor his plans of revenge.”

 

Minhyuk frowned at Jihoon’s words as Miss Kim peeked her head in behind Jihoon. She tsked at the scene and then snapped her fingers and left once again.

 

“What’s a tormentor?” Chan sounded out the word and took his Dixon pencil out and scribbled the new vocabulary out on a piece of paper.

 

“It’s a very handsome person with a good personality.” Jihoon lied and then left the hallway soundlessly after wreaking havoc once again. Hansol and Seungkwan shared looks of disbelief while Chan looked pleased with himself at having learned a new fact.

 

“We’d better get downstairs fast. When Miss Kim starts to snap you know it’s time to go.” Hansol led the way out as the rest finished their business and met the others in the bare dining room downstairs.

 

The dining room had once been a pretty place but long gone were the beautiful rugs and the nice decorations on the walls. Now there was just a few old desks pushed together where they ate a small breakfast of rice and boiled potatoes. Together they prayed, Jihoon holding his hand out to Soonyoung on his left, then Haeil, Sanha, Minhyuk, Chan, Seungkwan, Hansol, and finally Miss Kim.

 

“God protect my kids’ journey today to the north village and allow them to bless the elders there with help so that they in return will bless these innocent children. Amen.”

 

“Amen,” everyone echoed.

 

That was the agreement, Seungkwan thought. They’d all be sent out together to help the elders in cleaning, cooking, farming. Then those same elders would give them food to take back to the orphanage and sometimes other essentials or even a few bronze coins. 

 

Hansol held out a piece of potato in front of Seungkwan, waving it back and forth between his unfocused eyes. “Eat, we got a lot of hard work to do today.”

 

So together they shared each other’s food and made sure they both had enough to eat. Even though it was hardly enough to fill their stomachs, they lied to one another and said that they were full to ease the other’s worries.


	2. Acrobat

“She also said she would give him a kiss if he liked, but Peter did not know what she meant, and he held out his hand expectantly.”  


― J.M. Barrie

 

 

With a single roughed up coin in Seungkwan’s small hand, the two boys traveled over the hill with their hands entwined. They each wore holed, fingerless gloves that barely kept them warm and pants that they were quickly growing out of. Small boots they’d worn for too long and sweaters that they’d knitted themselves paired with ratty jackets to keep the biting cold from freezing them to death. The weather was growing colder and colder, the food becoming more and more scarce. Yet, they still wore the same hopeful look they always did.

 

The two of them spent all day working under the command of their house mother, traveling hut to hut in their small town to help the elders. Their reward for being such good boys was to go into town together to pick up bread for their remaining brothers.

 

Almost two months in, the rumors had started. Through a child’s eyes it all sounded like a game. Something he’d hear as a bedtime tale by one of the older boys in the house. But with Hansol at his side, it was like nothing bad ever existed in the world. He didn’t get sad when the other kids in the market spat at them and called them names. The ones who could afford nice fitting clothing and sparkling shoes. The ones with beautiful hair. The clean ones. He didn’t even get sad when people were beginning to speculate the bombings. Even when they said that their whole town would be gone by next winter. Seungkwan didn’t believe it, he didn’t even care. All he needed was right there beside him.

 

Seungkwan tightened his grip on Hansol’s hand as they passed a group of noble’s kids coming from school. The thing about living in an orphanage with other kids was that they shared a market with a good percentage of the wealthy. Hansol glared openly at them. They were about the same height, at the young age of 12. There was nothing intimidating about either of them, except Seungkwan had begun to realize that the protective glint in Hansol’s eyes is what scared them away, not anything having to do with physical appearance. 

 

A quick tug had deterred Hansol and they were both entering the market swiftly.

 

"You still got the coin on ya’?” Hansol asked, glancing to and fro about Seungkwan’s body. The boy discreetly showed Hansol the coin and then hid it tightly against his palm once more. The brown haired boy grinned and shoved his arm against his love, as they had taken to calling each other in secret. Seungkwan stuck his tongue out as they neared the sweet-smelling bread stand. 

 

The wooden shop was situated right at the edge of the market so that people would be brought in by the warm, inviting smell. The loaves sat proudly atop thin, brown-stained material. The shopkeeper shooed off unwanted poor kids, except when Hansol and Seungkwan showed up he grinned a toothy grin and waved them over. Their house mother often ventured into the market interested in bartering and trading since she didn’t trust their kids to do so. More often than not, they’d get taken advantage of. Of course, most of the people in the market pegged them as Miss Kim’s orphan kids.

 

“Well if it isn’t my favorite snotty brats,” he chuckled and brought out a wrap of fabric to put bread in. 

 

Seungkwan rolled his eyes and held out the coin to the shopkeeper with a face of disdain clear in his features. Hansol smiled and pointed to a loaf in the back. 

 

“One loaf! The freshest that you got.” He declared.

 

The shopkeeper hesitated for a moment and looked at the coin in Seungkwan’s outstretched hand. “Hey there, kids. Miss Kim didn’t hear the new notice?”

 

“What new notice?” Seungkwan asked, retracting his hand and hiding it in his pocket suspiciously. He exchanged wary glances with Hansol.

 

“The prices in the market have tripled since this morning. Take a look around,” he motioned with his big, hairy hands. “There’s not enough to go around anymore.” 

 

Although kind, the shopkeeper also had to make a living. Prices had been fluctuating for a month now, yet the kids had paid no attention to how many coins Mrs. Kim had sent with them to buy food. Whether it was multiple silver coins, or a single bronze one that he currently held hidden like his most prized possession. Hansol suddenly looked down at the bread and noticed that none of them had been bought and it was already well into the afternoon.

 

“Listen here, I’ll give you this loaf now but you kids remember to tell Miss Kim that I’ve got a shop to run and I can’t keep handin’ out free food to runts like you who-”

 

Seungkwan’s lips quirked just slightly as he took out his coin and flipped it into the air as the shopkeeper scrambled to catch it.

 

“Thanks,” Hansol said gratefully. “We’ll tell Miss Kim.”

 

The shopkeeper sighed heavily and wrapped up the freshest loaf he could find, knowing it would be the last one the kids would be able to afford for a long time. He handed it to Hansol and told him to hide it in his jacket on the way back.

 

The two of them didn’t bother to walk through the market like they usually did. It was too bad, because that was Seungkwan’s favorite thing to do with Hansol during their free time. Hansol didn’t look at Seungkwan or even speak to him until they were over the hill and out of the market-place.

 

“What’s with you?” Seungkwan asked and rubbed his cold hands together. Hansol kept walking fast, without looking back. “Hey! You okay?”

 

"You think things are getting worse?”

 

“What’s that mean?”

 

“I mean, just look! We have to hide our food now!” Hansol glanced around at their surroundings and then pulled his coat closer to himself with the warm bread tucked in. “Not to mention that we could barely pay for it to begin with!”

 

Seungkwan looked at his empty hand sadly. That was all he could think about now. That maybe this situation they were in was going to separate the two of them. Perhaps their house mother would work them more and more until they could barely see each other until they slept. Then when they did sleep they would be so tired they wouldn’t be able to talk with each other, lay with each other. Even too tired to dream of one another.

 

In this dirty world, maybe bad things could happen. 

 

He stopped Hansol from walking and looked into his eyes. Although the boy kept one hand securely on the bread loaf, the other was hanging there limply, ready for Seungkwan to grab hold of it. He laced their fingers together and then leaned over to kiss Hansol on the cheek sweetly. The boy blushed heavily and suddenly forgot about everything. All of his worries were gone.

 

“Whatever happens, even if things do get worse. I’ll still be here with you.”

 

He smiled at him, so brightly that the snow around them sparkled as though sunlight has just shone down on them.

 

“Promise?” Hansol asked.

 

“I promise.”


	3. Clockmaker's Magic

“On these magic shores children at play are for ever beaching their coracles. We too have been there; we can still hear the sound of the surf, though we shall land no more.” 

― J.M. Barrie

 

 

As time passed, the tensions tripled, the paranoia set in, the food became almost nonexistent. The small shreds of food that they were delivered was barely enough for a street rat, yet it was all they could afford. The small place that housed the eight orphan children stayed still as water while all around them, the rich evacuated. Still, even as the world fell they continued to travel to visit the elderly every day. As the year passed the old grandmothers and grandfathers grew increasingly weaker. The biting cold froze some of them in their sleep. Mrs. Kim ordered that they stay inside for the remainder of the winter season. Seungkwan didn’t understand; the winter season had just begun.

 

The most fearsome thing, for Seungkwan at least, was the sickness that plagued the youngest of the house. He’d been coughing for weeks, becoming increasingly lethargic, vomiting, running fevers. Mrs. Kim did all that she could, but there was only so many options presented before them. They couldn’t afford treatment, or medicine. So the little one grew more and more restless as the days passed. They weren’t even allowed to see him anymore. Miss Kim was too afraid he would pass on his sickness.

 

To Seungkwan, that was the most awful thing. He didn’t care if he was malnourished. All he cared about was the well-being of his brothers. Maybe that was when he grew bitter. Towards the war and the rich. Even towards the snow he grew bitter. 

 

It was at night that Seungkwan grew to love the quiet stillness of his room. He and Hansol shared a bed together like most of the other boys who paired up to stay warm. It was too bad that Haeil, one of the older brothers, had to sleep alone since his partner was sick.

 

Before they slept, the two of them would ask each other questions about their future together. Where they would go, what they would do. Who they would meet and how they would see the world as they grew up.

 

“Hm, I think I wanna own a dog when I get older.”

 

“Oh yeah?” Seungkwan snorted. “Plenty on the streets, all you gotta do it pick one.”

 

Hansol rolled his eyes, then a solemn look appeared on his face. “How many you think freeze out there?”

 

Seungkwan shrugged and pulled his pillow closer to Hansol’s until the shadowy smoke of their breath danced together. It was so cold in the room, he could barely stand it. “Too many to count, I guess.”

 

Hansol immediately reached out to hug Seungkwan, “I hope we don’t die and come back as dogs.”

 

He hugged him back, “Why?”

 

“Well, nobody would be very nice to us.”

 

He stifled a laugh with the back of his hand, “Nobody is nice to us now!”

 

“Still, I want to be able to talk to you. Like we are now! Oh, and dog’s don’t celebrate birthdays! It’s gonna be your birthday soon.”

 

“Yeah, I know. You’re going to get me something expensive right? Gold, maybe?” He jested and poked Hansol in the chest. He tickled him in return until their laughing woke up Minhyuk who was doing his best to sleep in the cold room.

 

“Guys, stop laughing!” He scolded. Seungkwan muffled his laughing again with his hands.

 

When they settled down, the two of them began to flutter their eyes, falling asleep almost in slow motion. “You know,” Seungkwan whispered with his eyes closed. “I don’t care if I have nothing on my birthday this year. As long as I still have you.”

 

Hansol smiled. 

 

Although his eyes were closed, he was doing his best to figure out a plan to get his hands on Seungkwan’s favorite food.

 

Within a few minutes, they fell into a deep sleep. 

 

~

 

On the morning of Seungkwan’s birthday, Hansol told Mrs. Kim he was going out to get a gift for the boy’s birthday. Although suspicious, she allowed him to leave after an hour of convincing and him promising he would borrow extra clothing to wear to bear the winter cold.

 

He hitched a ride about a mile away from the orphanage and rode on the back of a wagon into a small town made up of lodges and food and health dispensaries that were only used for traveling soldiers.

 

Within twenty minutes of finding his way around, he’d found his target. Two men in uniform were stopped at a small, run-down bakery with a woman in an apron that was doing her best to get them to buy the food displayed. Just looking at the selection made Hansol’s stomach growl painfully. He resisted the urge to get greedy and reminded himself who he was doing this for.

 

He eyes the dozens of cream buns that were nestled comfortably amongst the bread and other treats.

 

The two men discussed what they wanted. The one with brown hair chose the wrong treat and Hansol sighed heavily. Well, he didn’t expect anyone to order exactly what he wanted on the first try but he didn’t want to raise Miss Kim’s suspicion by staying out all day. Right as Hansol was about to give up on them, the scrawny one with blonde hair pointed out the cream bun and his heart soared with joy.

 

He dropped himself to the floor and took as much mud and dirt as he could in his hands and smeared it all over his face and body. Ruffling his hair, he immediately stood up from his hiding place and approached the men who paid and were now talking quietly to themselves with their food in their hands.

 

Hansol widened his eyes and put his hands behind his back. With just a few long strides he was now a foot away from them. The first one to notice him had been the tall, masculine one with brown hair.

 

“Hello,” he smiled warmly. 

 

Hansol made a point of staring at the food in their hands with a starved look on his face. It hadn’t been that hard, since he truly was very hungry.

 

“Do you need help?” He asked, but at that question Hansol merely shook his head.

 

“Are you hungry?”

 

He nodded.

 

“The whole damn country is hungry, William.” It was the scrawny man who spoke. He watched Hansol with a weary expression on his face. Like he really was just a street dog. A thought passed through his mind. That maybe humans like him really weren’t all that different from animals in this world. If he did happen to come back as a dog, he wondered if it’d be any different.

 

Hansol did his best not to become upset, he just continued to stare.

 

“Here, son.” The tall, kinder man named William offered up his food. Yet, that wasn’t what he had expected to happen. He wanted the other man’s treat. His stomach lurched. He desperately wanted to take the food but he couldn’t, that’s not what was supposed to happen.

 

Hansol bit his lip and looked from man to man, from treat to treat. Within an instant he evaded William’s hand and hit foot shot out, kicking the scrawny one in the knee. The treat fell out of his hand in surprise. Hansol dove for it and caught it before it hit the ground. It was too bad the one he had targeted was much more agile than he originally thought. He was up in a flash and had grabbed onto Hansol’s fleeing self. He struggled to get away without harming the food cradled in his hands.

 

Surprisingly, William didn’t seem mad at the surprising twist. He just watched on as his friend apprehended him. 

 

“Who does this boy belong to!?” The one who had grabbed Hansol’s coat yelled and jerked him back. Hansol struggled, but he somehow managed to hold onto Seungkwan’s favorite cream-filled bun. It was his thirteenth birthday and all he wanted to do was snag a treat for him. Something he would’ve never imagined he’d eat again. Not after being reduced to a malnourished picture of his former self. All skin and bones and dark circles. “He’s a thief! He must be punished.”

 

“I’d like to see you try!” 

 

“That’s enough, Charles.” William finally stepped forward. All Hansol could see from his angle was his clean boots. “Who do you belong to son?”

 

Hansol kept quiet. Well, he belonged to only one person but he doubted saying it out loud would be very smart. Then he really would be beaten.

 

“Can you speak, child?” Just then, the man named Charles gave him a jolt and the grip on the cream-filled bun slipped from his hands and splattered on the ground. He gave a shriek and tried to pick it up but the dirt from the ground had infested every part of it. He would still eat it, granted. But now it wouldn’t be perfect. He picked up the bun and dusted it off.

 

“Now, here.” The kind man approached him and kneeled on one knee in front of him. “That’s not very-”

 

“Don’t touch me!” Hansol cowered away.

 

“I don’t want to hurt you. If you’d just tell me where you’re from I can buy you all the cream buns you want.”

 

Hansol gripped the food tighter in his hand at the offer. He was already salivating at the idea of endless cream buns and warm tasting, fresh bread and cream. Hansol unknowingly squished the food in his hand and it spilled out over his fingers. The man looked down at the mess and reached into his pocket to pull out a piece of woven cloth. Handing his own food to Charles, he took to wiping the shocked boy’s hand off. He then disposed of the treat, throwing it far away. Hansol could’ve sworn he seen a small child pick it up and run off with it.

 

“Why would you do that?” Hasol asked, his eyebrows furrowed and his lips pointed downward in an unhappy frown.

 

“Well, I have the resources that you don’t.”

 

“The what?”

 

“The resources.”

 

“What’s that mean?”

 

The man in the uniform just smiled gently and held out his hand. “My name is William. I’m not from around here. Are you?”

 

“I’m not from anywhere but here.”

 

“Hm, well you speak my language quite well.”

 

Hansol shrugged. 

 

The man hummed and studied him for a second and then seemed satisfied with whatever he was looking for. “What’s your name?”

 

“Hansol.”

 

“What do you say we get those cream buns. Then you can show me where you live. Deal?”

 

Hansol looked at his stained hands, he thought of Seungkwan, then he nodded his head and shook the man’s hand with his clean one. “Deal.”

 

He ran off happily in front of William, licking off his fingers and thanking his lucky stars that he didn’t get into any trouble.

 

Traveling from the bakery, with an armful of cream buns, Hansol never felt happier and he knew when they celebrated Seungkwan’s birthday with the rest of the kids it would be the best one yet. He dutifully led William to their orphanage after hopping into the man’s carriage. The other man, named Charles, had followed without a word. Hansol liked it better when the scrawny man wasn’t saying anything anyway.

 

They came upon the house after a little while. From far away it looked much bigger, but when they were right in front of the home it had drastically shrunk. Hansol didn’t mind, their small house was enough to give a home to the eight kids that lived there: Seungkwan, Jihoon, Soonyoung, Chan, Minhyuk, Sanha, Haeil, and himself.

 

William paused for a moment to read the sign before the crumbled walk way. It simply read:

 

Boy’s Home for the Orphaned

 

He paused briefly. His heart ached for the children who lived here, surrounded by empty homes that once housed families. He bowed his head for a moment before heading up the small stairs to the porch and then to the front door where Hansol walked right in, announcing his arrival.

 

“Seungkwan! I’ve got you a present!”

 

William took in the drab interior. From the boarded up windows, to the thin scraps of material stuffed into the cracks of doors to keep the cold out. He took off his hat and tucked it underneath his arm. Three kids came running, including Seungkwan who first hugged Hansol before seeing what was in his arms.

 

“You got me something, really!? I thought you were just joking around!”

 

The first thing that William noticed was the sheer thinness of all the kids. He couldn’t tell it about Hansol because the boy was covered in layers of sweaters and a jacket. But here, in front of him were three kids who looked absolutely starved.

 

So this was where it was hitting. The war left no human spared. Even the most innocent ones were affected.

 

A gasp from the boy named Seungkwan surprised William back to reality. They barely noticed him standing there, far too enamored by the treats in Hansol’s arms. The other two boys grabbed a bundle and took off running. Hansol yelled after them angrily.

 

After a fleeting moment, Seungkwan smiled and hugged Hansol close, immediately silencing his yelling. “You’ve got dirt all over you.” He laughed as he noticed the smudges all over his face and hair.

 

“Oh, I forgot to mention!” Hansol said, changing the subject quickly. “We have a visitor. I met him in west town. He’s the one who paid for all of this.”

 

Seungkwan shook off his momentary shock and seemed to finally notice the looming figure in the hallway. His eyes widened and he took a step back. “Hello…” he greeted softly. He looked to Hansol and seemed to be communicating something to him silently. “I’ll go get Miss Kim.”

 

That left Hansol to be standing there awkwardly with William. He had observed their affection and thought nothing of it really. “Are you two close?” He asked softly and moved to stand next to Hansol.

 

The boy fought back a blush. 

 

“What’s his name? Soongwun?”

 

Hansol snorted at the man’s bad pronunciation but he corrected him nonetheless. “His name is Seungkwan, and it’s his birthday today. He’s my...closest and most trusted friend.”

 

“I see. He seems to really adore you.”

 

Hansol smiled, and looked away so the man wouldn’t be able to see the sickening love pour from his eyes.

 

“Ah! Hello sir!”

 

Miss Kim’s voice rang through the hallway. She held a small child--it was her sister’s--balanced on her hip as she clopped down the hallway in her short black heels. Her shawl covered most of her outfit, but it wasn’t anything spectacular to look at anyway. 

 

William bowed his head at her in respect, “Hello madame.”

 

Once Miss Kim neared closer her eyes observed the insignia’s on his uniform jacket, “My goodness!” She put her hand over her mouth. “It’s an honor, sir. What is it that brings you here today?”

 

“I’m only here to drop off one of your kids. He helped me out today in town and so I repaid him with these treats.”

 

“Oh!” She finally noticed the bundles in Hansol’s arms. She smiled warmly at him. “I see, well thank you so much. It’s very much appreciated. I hope this hadn’t inconvenienced you in any way, I’m terribly sorry if it has. ”

 

“It was no inconvenience to me. I’d like to come visit again tomorrow though, if that is okay? I brought my subordinate here with me today. He’s in the carriage and I don’t want him to wait too long.”

 

Mrs. Kim seemed surprised but she nodded enthusiastically and ushered him into another annex near the front of the house. She shooed Hansol and Seungkwan off and the other kids pulled them down the hall to go celebrate properly.  
As the adults closed the door behind them, Seungkwan and Hansol cast a glance behind where the powerful looking man in the uniform once stood.

 

“Hurry up, guys!” Chan called with a wave, both him and Soonyoung dove into the back room where the tables were.

 

“Did you see that guy!?” Minhyuk peeked from the room and grabbed Seungkwan’s arm, tugging excitedly, “He must be real important! Is this a sign from the heavens?”

 

“He wouldn’t spare you a second Min, get your head outta the clouds.” Seungkwan shrugged out of his grip and joined the others.

 

Minhyuk huffed, “Ah so they all say!”

 

“Geez, can you guys get any slower?” Jihoon was already tearing apart one of the treats as he spoke through a mouthful of bread.

 

“Calm down, we have enough to last us all day!” Hansol emptied out the rest of the bundles onto the tables in front of him and their eyes all lit up happily.

 

“We can have this for dinner!”

 

“Maybe for a bedtime snack too?!” Minhyuk wondered, grabbing two for himself already, shoving aside his dream of entering the army.

 

“Wait!” Seungkwan yelled. All of his brothers looked up at him curiously. He grinned so wide that his eyes disappeared. “Sing happy birthday to me first!”

 

Altogether the boys rushed through the song and patted him on the back for good luck. That was good enough for Seungkwan apparently, because he too dove into the pile of cream buns. Together they ate until their stomachs were full, and even more until their stomachs ached.

 

“Save some for Sanha. He’ll want some once he gets better.” Soonyoung advised. The rest of the kid’s agreed and put some away for him.

 

Fifteen minutes later Miss Kim came back to check on the kids and she scolded them all for over-eating when they knew their stomachs couldn’t handle it.

 

“If you consume such a sweet-tasting treat after none at all, oh just thinking about all the noise you kids will cause tonight gives me a headache.” She rocked the small child in her arms and rubbed her left temple with her hand. “Since it’s Seungkwan’s birthday I won’t scold any of you too badly. Now all you go to the playroom and burn off all that sugar. Go, go! If any of you gets sick on the floor you’ll all have an early night!”

 

They took off running to the playroom. They had no toys or anything, but they enjoyed playing hand games in the small room to pass the time. 

 

At the end of the day, Seungkwan curled up next to Hansol. He was far too tired to talk with him about anything but he didn’t feel too bad about it, they were still together and smiling. 

 

For some reason, he wanted the day to go on and on. Never to end. That birthday had been the best one he ever had. He had a weird feeling that it would never happen again. With the way things were going, he feared their whole world would collapse by then. He shook his worries away. He didn’t want to have bad thoughts on his birthday. 

 

“Goodnight, Hansol.”

 

“Night.”

 

“You know you mean more to me than anything, right?”

 

Hansol smiled, “More than treats?”

 

Seungkwan hit him lightly on the arm.

 

“Ow, I know, I know. It’s the same for me.”

 

“Thanks for giving me the best birthday ever.”

 

“Go to sleep,” he whispered quietly.

 

With the thoughts of his birthday in mind, he drifted off.

 

If he had known it would be the last one he shared with Hansol, he would have never fallen asleep so quickly.


	4. Little Doll

“All of this has happened before, and it will all happen again.” 

  ― J.M. Barrie 

 

~

 

 

“Miss Kim?” Seungkwan peeked into the small reading room where the headmistress was reading a tattered old book. She looked up and adjusted the glasses on her face before marking her page, closing the cover, and setting it to the side.

 

The wrinkles between her eyes were more prominent than the day before, cluing Seungkwan into the fact that she had been stressed about something recently. After turning 13, he liked to think he was more observant of things like that but then again maybe he’d always been that way when it came to Miss Kim.

 

“The others and I were wondering if you’d let us stay up late tonight and build a fortress out of blankets!”

 

By the way her lips quirked up and a small exhale of relief escaped her nose, Seungkwan was sure that she would say yes. However, she had always been a stubborn woman. 

 

“What have you rascals done to deserve such a treat, hm?” She teased and stood up to walk over to the boy. His height had finally reached to a little past her chest, but that was while she was wearing heels. He glanced down to notice he was subconsciously lifting himself up onto his toes like a child. Seungkwan lowered himself back down.

 

“Well, we all worked hard today and we’ve nothing to do tomorrow and it’s been so long since we’ve been able to have fun together…”

 

“Hm, everything is all about fun to kids your age…” She patted down his hair and then walked past him and out into the hallway where Seungkwan followed. “That’s a good thing to keep.”

 

“So, you’ll say yes?”

 

“If you all keep as quiet as possible,” she motioned to the chairs in the classroom to her right. “Then I’ll give you permission to use these to hold up the blankets. Deal?”

 

Seungkwan jumped up and nodded his head, “Yes Miss it’s a deal!”

 

~

 

A good hour later and all the boys were huddled up underneath a large, elaborate sheet fortress with their blankets piled beneath.

 

“Wow, you’d think we owned a furnace by sitting all of us in here like this!” Haeil snuggled up underneath the blankets and hummed excitedly.

 

A small corner was cleared out so they could light their lamp, Chan pretended to heat his hands against the covered flame like it was a fireplace. “If Sanha was here it’d be even more warm than it is now!”

 

“That’s right,” Hansol remembered sadly. “Sanha must be freezing in that bed downstairs.”

 

“Can’t we visit him just once?” Minhyuk pleaded, gazing into the eyes of his brothers who so desperately wanted to do the same.

 

“Absolutely not.” Haeil shook his head and sat straight up like a pin. The look in his eyes betrayed his true feelings, but as the oldest he was technically still in charge of everyone else’s safety. Not even Miss Kim ventured into Sanha’s room very often. What could that effect have on someone as young as them?

 

Jihoon’s jaw tightened and his lips pursed together, “This damned world. If sickness was a real person I’d kill it and get rid of it once and for all.”

 

“If Miss Kim caught you using that language...” Soonyoung warned and huddled his legs close to his body.

 

Jihoon shrugged, peeling off a stale piece of sweet bread from the pile in the middle. “Well, I meant what I said.”

 

“It’s not fair.” Chan whispered, and by the light of the flame they all watched as a few tears dripped down the boy’s face and right into his lap.

 

Seungkwan looked around at all their faces and wondered what exactly it would take to make them all happy again. Not just for a few hours, not just for a day, but forever. They created this fort so that they could have fun and not have to deal with the outside world anymore. Maybe, Seungkwan thought, maybe the problems were deep inside of them now. Maybe they weren’t just outside problems anymore, but they had wriggled their way into the hearts and minds of his young brothers.

 

“We’re supposed to be having fun.” Seungkwan mumbled, but even his eyes had begun to tear up. Hansol comforted him, for once they were both warm.

 

Haeil closed his eyes, shooing away all the bad memories and the look on Sanha’s face when they told him he’d be contained. As the oldest he was supposed to protect the younger ones from harm. “What’s fun in this world anymore? I feel like we’re on a lonesome planet.”

 

“A lonesome planet would be better than here. At least there people wouldn’t be trying to kill us with bombs.” 

 

“Look at us, a bunch of kids talking about things like this.” Seungkwan sobbed, wiping his snotty tears from his face.

 

“Shh, if you cry loudly Miss Kim will hear.” Hansol hugged him tightly to himself and fought the urge to join in on his sorrow.

 

“Guys, I was wondering something…” Everyone looked to Soonyoung who seemed like he was lost deep in thought. The calculating, far away look in his eyes caused everyone to settle down. “If this is only the beginning then what will happen to us when we’re in the middle of all the chaos? The only place to get food now is from west town near the port and we all overheard Miss Kim mention the price of just a few vegetables.”

 

“We can’t even afford medicine for Sanha, let alone food for ourselves.”

 

Jihoon looked around at everyone’s solemn faces. His eyes focused on the off-white sheets that lay on the floor. “Maybe it would be better,” he wiped the tears from his face discreetly, “if those bombs-”

 

“Don’t say it.” Haeil growled.

 

As the oldest he needed to stop him, but deep down he agreed.

 

All of them did.

 

~

 

In the morning they woke to find that they all had fallen asleep in each other’s arms, warm. The dim light from the window cast a shadowy gleam over their fortress. Haeil was awake first and he took the careful time to remove the elaborate sheet over their bodies. One by one, as it was removed they woke up and had forgotten mostly about what they had talked about last night but the ache in their hearts was still there. Somehow, it had creeped in and nested a home for itself like a patient mother bird.

 

They went downstairs to find that Miss Kim was in her little reading room looking over pristine white pieces of paper that were tucked into a folder. There was no breakfast, there was no food, not even leftover stale bread.

 

She noticed them all huddled around her door and she quickly tucked away all the papers, “You’re all up early. Did something happen?” She asked and ushered them away from the office and into the roomy living area.

 

“No Miss, we just had a good rest last night, I guess.” Seungkwan stretched and yawned, with the other boy’s following in unison. They all nodded their heads.

 

“Well, I’m sorry to say that I couldn’t prepare breakfast today.” She smiled sadly. “I set out some material for you to read for this morning.”

 

Minhyuk frowned and tilted his head, “When can we eat?” Seungkwan glanced over and down at the boy. He was clutching his stomach that was already very thin and empty.

 

Miss Kim hesitated, “I have nothing prepared until dinner.”

 

Chan opened his mouth but Haeil clamped a hand over him and tugged him into his side. He smiled at the headmistress and looked into the living room where three books were set out with their old study notes next to them. “We’ll go study for now then.”

 

“Please do your best under the circumstances.” She patted Haeil’s back and he ushered them all into the living room.

 

Chan wrestled out of Haeil’s grip and was the first to dive into the books even though he couldn’t read very well. He wrenched open the pages and looked at all the pictures that we’re illustrated inside.

 

“Be gentle, Chan.” Soonyoung sat next to him and peered at the thin pages. 

 

On the cover was written: Clockwork Boy, Pierrot

 

Seungkwan listened to Haeil read one of the copies aloud, while the others looked at the pictures.

 

~ 

Years ago there lived a clockmaker whose entire existence was given to create watches and clocks. The man was already weak, and old in age, and his hands were so brittle from decades of work. 

 

One night he wept, for he mourned his young dreams. The clockmaker had not loved a wife, nor had he ever raised any children. Not even his clocks were valuable. He cried for all the things he had never done, and when he was all out of tears he came up with a wonderful idea.

 

He set out to find an apprentice who he could teach, who would take on his work and grow old doing his work, just like he did. Scouring the entire village, he found nothing. Not one boy who wanted to take on his work. Feeling defeated, he left back to his little hut when he heard a cry from a nearby tree. It sounded as if there was a strangling animal or a fearsome bird. The clockmaker hurried over and was met with a harrowing sight.

 

A small baby, cold and shivering, cried very painfully and sadly in a pile of leaves. The clockmaker jumped and grabbed the shivering baby and held it to his chest. The child was so small and his face so porcelain white that he feared he would die. He hurried back to his little hut and warmed the baby up as much as he could.

 

“Oh lonely sufferer, I question what this pure child has done to have this misfortune cast upon him.” 

 

Working through the night, the man did his best to assure that the child lived, and as the days and months passed, the baby grew up. The clockmaker nurtured him just as much as he did his clocks. His patient teachings carved the way the boy grew into a respectful and careful young child of nine.

 

“My Pierrot, lovely Pierrot. Learn my work and learn to love it as I have loved you.”

 

As the clockmaker grew older and older, he continued to teach the boy until he could no longer do so. He instructed him from his bed until the early morning hours and then started once again the next night. He did so until his last days.

 

The young boy of misfortune continue on until he was a young man and he became even greater than his master once was. Instead of plain clocks, Pierrot created little wooden ticking dolls that he fashioned after himself. His characters became so popular that he had even opened a small shop of which he sold many a day.

 

He grieved every loss of those dolls because they were like a piece of himself. His unfortunate life had made those dolls and he wondered just how much of himself he was giving away for a small fortune.

 

One day he met a lovely young girl who came into his shop. The girl looked around at the dolls but she was uninterested. She took one look into Pierrot’s dark eyes and she heard the ticking of a clock.

 

“My, you have very pale skin.” The girl wondered.

 

“Indeed. My father once said that the wind rubbed off all my colors before he could get to me.”

 

The girl was confused but she refused to pry. Instead she smiled at him and laughed a little. She looked around once more at the shop and still seemed disinterested. Instead, she pointed at him.

 

“Do you have a doll that looks just like you? Or should I ask how much your price is?” She blushed at the insinuation but he didn’t seem as bothered.

 

“All of these dolls are fashioned in my image. It’s why they all look so sad.”

 

She hummed and picked one up to inspect it. 

 

“I’ll keep coming back then, until one of them is happy.”

 

The young lady returned the next day, and still there were no happy dolls. She accepted it and left. The day after she came again and searched every nook and cranny of the shop, and still there were no happy dolls. The next month when she visited she became a bit frustrated but her spirit never broke. She continued searching for a happy doll.

 

Pierrot enjoyed talking to her while she was there, because she had been the most interesting person he’d ever met.

 

The next year she visited again, and this time she was taller and wore her hair in curls. Pierrot’s heart skipped a beat like a broken clock. She searched the shop briefly and then took some time to talk to him before leaving again. She found no happy dolls.

 

It took the young girl two years to come back and when she did she was no longer a young girl but a young woman. She was very polite but didn’t stay long, she searched high and low but there was nothing but the same sad dolls with white painted faces.

 

Years passed, and as Pierrot got older, the lady did as well. She visited once on a rainy day but the dolls were still the same. After that she stopped coming back altogether and Pierrot’s spirit broke. He wondered if she had married or if she had kids.

 

One fateful evening when Pierrot was cleaning his shop windows he caught sight of a familiar face. She was still beautiful for someone her age. Her hair was in white curls and she stepped into the shop elegantly.

 

“Hello there Pierrot.”

 

“Madame,” he greeted with a slight head tilt.

 

“After all these years and you still have not changed your dolls.” The woman walked around the shop and observed all the dolls with a small head tilt. “I always wondered why you never changed one to be happy, at least for me I wondered if you would.”

 

“There was one that was happy, Madame. It changed not for you, but because of you.”

 

“Well, where was it?” She asked solemnly. “I’ve searched all this time and never found it.”

 

“Right here, Miss. Your eyes searched everywhere but here.” He motioned to himself and when she looked deeply she could see it in his eyes, that where there was once a ticking clock, was now a heartbeat. “Because of you I became a happier man. Seeing you again and again. After all those faces who took pieces of me out the front door of my shop. You always came back, yet took nothing from me.”

 

The woman cried very hard that day, but she spent the rest of the evening getting to know her lost friend better. She wondered what could have been if she had only seen it. Together they became great friends and she introduced him to her husband and kids. 

 

Pierrot grew old and never found a wife, nor had any children. However he hired an apprentice to finish his work and he was forever remembered, living on in all the dolls that had walked out of his door. They called him Clockwork Boy, Pierrot.

~ 

 

Haeil finished reading and put down the book, Chan’s eyes widened at the ending. “Wow that was kind of sad, don’t you think?”

 

“Yeah, not even characters in a book get a happy ending anymore.”

 

“Maybe that’s not a happy ending to you but I think it is. His life began badly but he was happy and was remembered by his work. Besides don’t you think the moral is to stop searching needlessly and look at what’s right in front of you?” Soonyoung asked.

 

“No, the book was about ponies and finding your destiny.” Jihoon spat sarcastically. “Aren’t we too old for fairytales?”

 

“Well whatever it is, Miss Kim wants us to write our thoughts about it.”

 

The boys quieted down to a low murmur as they helped each other sort their thoughts out. Hansol nudged Seungkwan and smiled a bit, “I think you’re a bit like Pierrot.” 

 

Seungkwan looked over at him, laughing a little. “Then that means you're the weird girl from the shop.”

 

“So be it, as long as I can make you happy.”

 

He stared at him for awhile and marveled at the truth in his words.

 

“I hope we get our happy ending. I don’t want us to end up like those people in the books and wonder what could’ve happened.”

 

Hansol nodded and leaned his head against his shoulder for a bit, “Then I promise I won’t look at anything else but you.”

 

“Huh?” He scolded Hansol, “What if you miss something important while focusing on me?” He asked.

 

“Well, you’re all that’s important to me. What could I be missing?”

 

“Are you guys done being gross over there?” Minhyuk asked and mimicked a vomiting motion. The boys all laughed it off and continued with the assigned work that Miss Kim gave them.

 

“Hey, why do you think the clockmaker named the boy Pierrot?” Chan asked, with his pencil sticking out of his mouth.

 

“I think they were referring to the sad character Pierrot, you know like the clowns in the circus?” Haeil said and scribbled something down on his paper.

 

“How do you spell that?”

 

“P-i-e-r-r-o-t.”

 

At that moment Miss Kim peeked her head into the living room to collect their study notes. She instructed them to have some free time while she looked them over.

 

“Hey guys?” Soonyoung asked, and looked over at his brothers who were lazing around instead of having play time. They didn’t have any energy, especially after missing their breakfast of potatoes and rice.

 

“Hm.” 

 

“I just had an idea.”

 

“What is it?”

 

“What if we perform in west town?” He asked excitedly. “You know how a circus has it’s own acts? We can do something like that! Magic, dancing, singing, maybe even comedy!”

 

The silence in the room was almost deafening. Almost. Except that Jihoon was laughing his head off. 

 

“Just listen, Seungkwan can sing! I’ve heard him do it before, and he can crack off jokes like nobody’s business!” Soonyoung pointed to Chan and Minhyuk, “We can work on dancing, or- or acrobatics or something? And Hansol can try magic and Haeil can-”

 

“I wanna throw knives.” Jihoon suggested with his hand up and his arm over his stomach, still jolting with raucous laughter.

 

“It might sound funny right now but we can get good! People would happily give us a few coins for a simple roadside show.”

 

The silence suddenly became bearable as everyone shared the same look.

 

“Well?” Soonyoung asked. Haeil looked at his brother’s faces, and then Jihoon was suddenly filled with dread.

 

“God, do any of you even know the word embarrassment? Because that’s what you’re gonna be feeling if you go through with this.”

 

“There’s no jobs, no suitable way to earn money except something like this. Especially for kids our age...and orphans at that.” Haeil stood up, suddenly energized. “Guys, let’s start practicing.”

 

Soonyoung stood up with him and clapped him on the shoulder and the younger two started getting excited to dance.

 

“You guys are out of your minds if you think-”

 

“We’ll let you throw knives,” Haeil said and in a split second Jihoon was up and ready.

 

“How are we going to explain this to Miss Kim?” Hansol asked worriedly. 

 

Seungkwan shot up fast and grinned, “Leave it to me!”


End file.
